We Need More Stubborn Women.

When you show up unapologetically, you encourage others to do the same.

Image Source: Obasanjo’s internet**

I’ve got nothing against men, truly. But our world needs more love and understanding to guide us all—without women bearing the cost and being treated unfairly. If calling out the imbalance makes you uncomfortable, this newsletter is not for you. Respectfully. 

While I am generally cautious about labelling things based on gender, the experiences I've had and witnessed in other women, along with recurring patterns, make it clear that this is a conscious gender bias. Today's newsletter discusses a challenge women face when demanding accountability or fairness in society.

By society, I mean men—for the most part. These could be friends, colleagues, neighbours, romantic partners, the charming guy next door, the security guard in your building, your painter, your mechanic, your uber driver, your account manager, your pastor, or your landlord..

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Holding men accountable often brings backlash—women get labelled difficult, angry, or unmanageable. But when men assert themselves, it’s seen as cOnFidEnce. Yet if a woman asks to be treated fairly, suddenly it’s, wHy ArE yOu so DifFiCult? or your wahala is too much, why are you angry, can’t you just MaNaGE? Or my personal favourite- that’s wHy YoU aRe SinGLe. LOL.

Yes, I am single and I am thriving. It’s enough to live under an oppressive government where I have little no control over decisions. But to expect me to tolerate oppression in my daily encounters with men? Especially when my hard-earned money, well-being, and mental health are at stake? Hard No.

Image Source: @lagoswildnights on X.

I’ve written about my struggles with renting in Lagos. What I didn’t capture is the resistance we face as women. Heck, single Nigerian women face discriminatory practices when renting- but that’s a topic for another day. Here’s a link to the post for you to catch up:

Recently, the landlord reached out to inform me that the facility management company had complained about “verbal abuse” from the residents. For context, it’s not unusual for the landlord and I to speak—we have a rapport from being former flag football teammates, and I’ve been the unofficial link between him and the other residents. Yet, his message felt like an indirect accusation. In a culture where mediocrity is the norm, those who speak up get tagged as “difficult” while ignoring the socio economic consequences.

So, I asked him to do the right thing: call for a formal report with evidence. Complaining about bad service is one thing; verbal abuse is a serious accusation that should be addressed. Unsurprisingly, he tried to backpedal, claiming contractual obligations, that he was only “concerned” and not wanting to get involved. Smh.

Verywell Mind defines Verbal abuse as a type of emotional abuse. It is when someone uses their words to assault, dominate, ridicule, manipulate, and/or degrade another person and negatively impact that person's psychological health. Verbal abuse is a means of controlling and maintaining power over another person.

Words should be used thoughtfully and responsibly. Making unfounded accusations of verbal abuse can be damaging. These men seem to be more concerned with protecting their egos than with facing the truth about their own mistakes. The real issue is the company's incompetence, which has led to numerous complaints. The audacity of it all irks me.

It is well documented that landlords in Lagos misuse their power, and tenants face high-handedness. And in my case, it’s convenient for the landlord to hide behind “contractual obligations” because he gets paid either way—so why care about a few women complaining?

The most outspoken residents? Three women, myself included. Meanwhile, there are more male residents but they stay silent unless it directly affects them. Surprise, surprise. 😒

It’s not unreasonable to expect value for money. But when women complain, it’s met with resistance. This parallels the cognitive labour women undertake in relationships and households—managing behind-the-scenes tasks for everyone's benefit. Despite this, women often receive silence, dismissal, or pushback rather than support.

Shall I stay silent because it’s hard? No. Do I hate that I have to put in so much effort to get basic service? Yes. And why can’t men hold their fellow men accountable??

Okay Tobi, what is the point?

The point, beloved, is to speak up. If you know you don’t like something or want to be treated better, don’t suffer in silence. It might be tougher for those in relationships, but your voice matters and you have feminine wisdom, use it. 

If you need the painter to do his job and not mansplain, tell him. If you’re sick of your colleague’s habitual excuses for delaying reports, let him know.

Image Source: The official Giphy page for The Office on Peacock.

It’s that pesky little people-pleasing goblin that holds women back. But if you can be anything in this world, be stubborn, and ruffle some feathers.

With love ❤️.

**as Nigerians fondly refer to the internet which became more accessible thanks to President Obasanjo’s policies.

P.S: here is some music from Ari Lennox to inspire you.